Monday, April 04, 2005

Prevailing through anonymity

So after eight months of living and working here in yosemite, I've found that I'm becoming more and more a recluce and enjoying my own company more and more rather than being part of a group. Without having a single person to interact with in a meaningful way on a daily basis, I've come to appreciate the sweet anonymity and isolation that being myself brings. It's not that I've found that people don't like me or that I'm some sort of social pariah. Quite the contrary actually, people seem to like me here. Pretty much everyone's nice and largely open and friendly. But I don't connect with them. All the friendliness is kind of projected through a screen of an ultimately dispassionate disinterest. The majority of people I interact with on a daily basis have drawn the same conclusion I have. That this is an interlude. The entire experience here is trasitory and, beyond the day to day, meaningless. So friendships are off the cuff. Nothing is truly heartfelt. No one seems to extend a significant level of interest in understanding anyone else in depth.

And that works for me. It's oddly comforting. This may well be their reaction to my own withdrawn state. Whatever the case however, I appreciate the results. I can choose to join in the social activites if I so desire and people act as though I've been here forever and accept what I'm willing to give. And if I want to just crawl into my hole and examine in more detail the interior of my cabin, no one seems to notice or care. My space is respected and no one questions my interests or motives no matter what I choose to do with my time. And while it is naturally mildly depressing not having a meaningful relationship, it at the same time is very liberating. I needn't concern myself with whether or not what I do or don't do with my time is going to effect someone else or that anyone else would even notice.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that it's like I've found exactly everything I could have hoped for as my original ideal concept of life. And now I just have to decide if I like enough to continue in this vein or if the interpersonal restrictions are stifling me and choking my ability to develop real friendships. Maybe it's just too soon to tell.


I'm going to be here awhile yet. Plenty of time.

Here's to the masks we wear.



Post a Comment

<< Home