Thursday, April 28, 2005

Life and times

Well, I decided to take a critical look at myself in the mirror as I have had a number of people lately comment on how much weight I've lost and said that they barely recognize me from November. And holy shit. I don't know if losing more weight at this point would be healthy. I now have a flat stomach, very defined shoulders and back, and nearly no waist. The belt I bought a month ago, size 32, no longer has holes enough to be tight on me. I haven't had the opportunity to weigh myself, but I can't have lost any less than 30-35 lbs. So I have at least one happy thing to report. Everything else seems to stay at status quo. I fixed my computer, only to have it die again the next day, *(that's another story, I'm getting the motherboard replaced free at least.)* Any connections I make with people are still fleeting at best, but that's alright, that's the name of the game here. Work is as well as could be expected, they love me, and give me the worst shifts because I'm the only one who can be trusted to consistently do them, and I end up helping everyone else in the process. We'll see how long it takes to be promoted again.

Nothing much else happening here. Maintaining sanity through liberal use of a dry, cracked, and bitter sense of humor/irony. Kind of living day to day and trying to keep perspective on this partial existence.

Hope all is well with all of you, sorry I haven't been updating this as much as in the past. once I get my computer running, if ever at this rate, I'm sure I'll be more motivated to use the internet.

All the best.


Monday, April 04, 2005

A flame without fire

Incandescence in it's truest form. Illumination, understanding, compelling reason. In this void we burn, a flame without fire, emitting bursts that can only be perceived by those capable of receiving along the same wavelengths. A glare shining down upon us from above, the over mind, the greatest construction of conception, the accepted reality. As tungsten we play our parts as relays, bouncing around the flashes and flares of ideas, burning our own abilities to conceive even as we burn upon our retinas and form wrinkles in our brains to represent the possibilities we've thus far been able to grasp without letting go in pain or denial. Yet even as we shine to show the path to reason our minds eye creates shadows that obscure, and our imagery paints that picture to others for the future without all that we can no longer see. So we are little light bulbs in projectors that play images across the blank screen of the world, and deny its truth with our light. We shows forms and display figures, waggling our digits in unison. All at once creating something from nothing, and destroying what there is to see without us.

Prevailing through anonymity

So after eight months of living and working here in yosemite, I've found that I'm becoming more and more a recluce and enjoying my own company more and more rather than being part of a group. Without having a single person to interact with in a meaningful way on a daily basis, I've come to appreciate the sweet anonymity and isolation that being myself brings. It's not that I've found that people don't like me or that I'm some sort of social pariah. Quite the contrary actually, people seem to like me here. Pretty much everyone's nice and largely open and friendly. But I don't connect with them. All the friendliness is kind of projected through a screen of an ultimately dispassionate disinterest. The majority of people I interact with on a daily basis have drawn the same conclusion I have. That this is an interlude. The entire experience here is trasitory and, beyond the day to day, meaningless. So friendships are off the cuff. Nothing is truly heartfelt. No one seems to extend a significant level of interest in understanding anyone else in depth.

And that works for me. It's oddly comforting. This may well be their reaction to my own withdrawn state. Whatever the case however, I appreciate the results. I can choose to join in the social activites if I so desire and people act as though I've been here forever and accept what I'm willing to give. And if I want to just crawl into my hole and examine in more detail the interior of my cabin, no one seems to notice or care. My space is respected and no one questions my interests or motives no matter what I choose to do with my time. And while it is naturally mildly depressing not having a meaningful relationship, it at the same time is very liberating. I needn't concern myself with whether or not what I do or don't do with my time is going to effect someone else or that anyone else would even notice.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that it's like I've found exactly everything I could have hoped for as my original ideal concept of life. And now I just have to decide if I like enough to continue in this vein or if the interpersonal restrictions are stifling me and choking my ability to develop real friendships. Maybe it's just too soon to tell.


I'm going to be here awhile yet. Plenty of time.

Here's to the masks we wear.